What is real?

Did the past 3 1/2 days really just happen? I am tired, physically tired. Mentally, I feel lost. I thought that I would be prepared for this time, and I was somewhat. I am feeling a little numb and disbelief. All though I know it is real, I feel as if I it has all been a dream. I am just waiting for reality to set in. I guess the total suddeness of it all hasn't allowed me much time to process things.

I have been preparing myself for Mikes passing for years. I watched him go from pretty darn good to pretty darn bad during the 10 years I have known him. It was hard to see a once full of life & energy man, become restricted to full time care and a bed he could barely muster the strength to leave. I never fooled myself into thinking he would get better, but I had fooled myself into thinking he would be here much longer. It was almost like the boy who cried wolf. He would get really sick and spend a few days in the hospital and then he would get better and be sent home again. I guess on Tuesday afternoon when Al told me he was being brought to the hospital, I just thought he would bounce back like he always did.

I went to see him Tuesday evening. I grabbed his hand and said "love you buddy." He looked at me like he didn't know who I was and then said love you and told me to go home. He seemed to be in a lot of pain and really out of it, so I decided to let him rest. I figured I would come up on Wednesday, and he would be better and know that I was there. That is why I was shocked when Al told me they said he only had 2 days tops. I called my mother immediatly so she could watch Colter, but I told her to take her time. Once she got to my house, I lolligaged a bit, and then finally decided to the hospital. I stopped to get people beverages and mossied on into the waiting room where Al's stepdad and uncle were sitting. I was informed that if I wanted to see him, I should go now. I was totally caught off guard and I hurried over to his room.

Once there, I realized that I was not going to get to say goodbye and within 10 minutes he was gone. It was aweful and yet I was relieved. I was glad he would not have to suffer anymore.

The next 48 hours were a total blur. One thing after another and the next thing you know, we are standing in the cemetery. And now today, nothing.

This whole experience is something I will never forget and it has also had me wondering many things. Did Mike really go towards "the light?" Were his loved ones waiting there to walk with him to see the lord? Was he scared? Was he at peace? Now that he was free of his illness, did he do one of his funny little jigs for the lord? Is he stalking Earnhardt? Did he meet any of my family? Is he watching down on us? I hope to be around a lot longer, but I hope to one day see him again and find out what it was really like for him. I hope he tells me that all I had thought it may have been, was, and that it was 10x better than that.