March 22nd

Usually, I write my posts to entertain you and keep you updated on the happenings in our chaotic household. I have found that I really enjoy "blogging", and it to be very therapeutic. So today, I am going to be selfish and write this one merely for myself. Obviously, it is okay for you all to read it, otherwise I would not have posted it here. If nothing else, I hope it inspires you in some way.

March 22nd. A day of birthdays, shared by a couple of my old friends. Every year, I find myself thinking about them on this day. One of them, more than the other. She was a neighborhood friend that lived on the other end of the block. We spent our days playing and dreaming up crazy things. We both shared a love of horses and spent many hours at the pasture across the street. The old guy who owned the horses, would often let us help him feed them. One of our big dreams was to live on a horse ranch together. We were going to live there with our husbands, and have lots of horses. She also thought we should have a gymnasium attached to our house. I guess we really did have BIG DREAMS.

I was two years older than my friend, and as I got into high school, we spent less time together. We were still friends, and I often gave her a ride home, but that was about it. I was a high schooler now, and I couldn't be hanging with younger kids. That only lasted a couple of years and the summer before her freshman year, we started to hang out again. It was okay, because she was going to be a high schooler now too. Once school began, our friendship started to really pick up momentum again. It was nice to have her back in my life.

School had been in session for about a month and there was going to be no school the following day, due to teacher in service, or something of the nature. It was a Wednesday, and I had plans to go out that night and PARTY. On my way home for supper, I turned the corner, and there was my friend in the street, tossing a football around with some of the other neighborhood kids. I stopped my car in the street and talked to her. She asked me if I wanted to do something that night, but I told her I all ready had plans, but that we could hang out tomorrow. I continued home, where I hurried and ate.

About an hour later, I was out the door, ready to party. I met up with my "boyfriend" at the time, and we cruised for a bit. We saw a cop car speeding out of town with its lights on and decided to follow it. It stopped on the hill, just outside of town. When we got there, we were stopped and asked for blankets by a bystander. There was a couple of cars parked on the side of the road, including the cop car. I wondered what was going on. It was almost like slow motion as I looked over and saw a couple of boys laying in the shoulder. One of them was laying on his back, the other was on his stomach with his arms crossed. The one that was on his stomach looked at me and our eyes locked. I could see fear and desperation in his eyes. I felt like I should know who he was, but I could not place him. We were then flagged through and continued down the road. We were not sure what had happened, because we didn't see any damaged cars. We decided to take gravel back around, hoping to get another glimpse of what was going on. As we came down the gravel road, we saw a car at the bottom of the hill. We now knew what was going on.

We headed out to our party spot and got out the beer and started a bonfire. I was really not enjoying myself, because I was haunted by the eyes of the boy I thought I should have known. Soon after the party got started, another friend of mine showed up and said he had heard that someone was killed in the accident. It was some relation to whomever. I was immediately stricken with fear that it was my friend. I was flipping out and my "boyfriend" asked my friend why he had to tell me that. (I should have realized then and there that he was a jerk and dropped him, but I didn't.) He wouldn't give me a ride back to town, so I begged my friend to take me. I had to make sure it was not my friend. Much to my horror, it was my friend.
I then realized that I did know that boy. He was also a neighbor. Turns out, he suffered from a few broken bones, and his cousin, the other passenger, got away with only a few scratches. My friend had flown out the back and was smashed in the hatchback as it rolled.

She was gone. How could this be? She was only 14. I had just talked to her a couple of hours ago. We were suppose to hang out tomorrow. Oh my god! How could I have been so selfish. I choose to party with my insensitive prick of a boyfriend over hanging with her. If I hadn't, she wouldn't have died. I had experienced a lot of death by now, but this was the by far the most painful thing I ever had to deal with. I had so many emotions flowing through my body. Anger, fear, regret, pain, sorrow, shame.

At her funeral, I refused to look at her laying in that box. They were going to have a closed casket, but her father had not seen her in years and wanted to see her. From what I was told, I am glad I did not look. I did not want that image to be my last, and I did not want to have to remember her that way.

She would have been 28 today. It is hard to believe that she will have been gone for 14 years this year. She has been gone, as long as she was alive. I think about her every year on her birthday. I wonder what she would be doing if she was still alive. Would she be married? Would she have kids? Would she have her horses? Where would she be living? All these types of things. I have found myself thinking of her a lot this past year. Mainly because of the birth of my first child. I wondered many things, but I also thought of her mother, whom lost her first born, and only daughter. I remember her screaming out while we where at the cemetery. I am not sure how she survived it. I can not even imagine her pain.

I have long ago stopped the what ifs, and blaming myself. I also have not followed any kind of siren since that day. I realize now, that god had a plan. He wanted her to be his angel. It brings me great peace, knowing that my friend is in a better place. It brings me even greater peace, knowing that in my mind, she will always be young, she will always be beautiful, she will always be energetic, and she will always have a great smile. I miss my friend greatly, but I am so blessed to have been a part of her short life.

Tomi Ann Martin

03/22/1979-09/29/1993

God bless you all! Hug a little tighter and longer tonight!